I really wanted to write a positive post today because I've gotten an incredible outpouring of support since my post on Monday, and today I'm feeling the closest to my normal self than I've felt since about September.
First I want to say thank you to everyone who has read, or reads my posts. The last one was really difficult to write and probably pretty difficult to read for some of you. It's not easy to talk about hurting myself. It's pretty embarrassing, actually. Especially because you're supposed to eventually grow out of feeling reckless and impulsive and you're not really supposed to want to hurt yourself when you're my age. Rest assured, I have Ethan to keep me from doing myself harm just about all of the time, and when he's not around, I know that I can reach out to any or all of you if I need to. I know that. I think that I am nowhere near where my baseline "normal" mental health is or should be, but I finally feel like I am on my way there.
Here's the thing. I know I'm loved. I have a family and I have a few friends, and I know they love me. But the rest of you - man, that's a complete surprise! It is wonderful to have so many people who are reaching out to me to just give me support, or to help me find a job, or to listen to me, or to just let me know that they're thinking about me! My aunt, my cousin, some old friends from high school, some people who are going through their own HUMONGOUS life crap that still manage to make time to send me a message telling me they're thinking of me. That. Is. Amazing. It makes me feel so very loved.
On that note, I'd like to pass on some good will. I know some people that need prayers, support, thoughts, good vibes, and even money, because they're going through things that I cannot imagine or comprehend. And even though I've been whiny about my own problems (which are seriously MY problems, they stem from no one else but me), they've still reached out to me to give me support.
I have a friend named Lisa, and we have been friends since forever. Some of my very first memories are of having sleepovers at her house with my sister. Lisa's 3 year-old son Eli is very, very sick. He's been diagnosed with Evan's Syndrome, which is an autoimmune disorder that makes Eli's body attack its own red and white blood cells and platelets, which makes it nearly impossible for Eli's body to fight off infection on it's own. The only known cure for this is a stem cell transplant, which Eli will be getting in the next few weeks. This has been very, very difficult for Lisa, her husband, Eli, and their other son Tyrell. Poor Eli has been in and out of the hospital since August with bleeding issues, a couple of lower bowel infections that prevent him from eating or drinking ANYTHING for at least 10 days at a time, and getting blood transfusions. Getting any kind of fever or infection at all could be fatal. Lisa is a teacher, and hasn't been able to work since Eli was diagnosed, and though they're taking things one day at a time, it's an extremely precarious situation. Despite all of that, Lisa has reached out to me to tell me that she's thinking of me and supporting me and she makes me cry a lot because of her kindness. So please, if you will, show your support for this amazing and resilient super mommy, go to one or all of these sites:
- http://www.gofundme.com/i2am14
- https://www.facebook.com/elisjourney4life
The other friend I have that could use support, money, prayers and thoughts and good vibes, is Ashley. I've only actually met Ashley in person once, but she's whatever synonym for awesome you can think of as well. Ashley has been battling Hodgkins Lymphoma for just over 3 years now. She went through several rounds of chemotherapy, and had a stem cell transplant, and even though it appeared as though the stem cell transplant was successful, a recent PET scan showed that the cancer has returned. I met Ashley though someone I had known since kindergarten (she's his baby-mama!), and now their son Traeden is 5. With donations, they were able to fulfill a huge dream and spent a week at Disneyland at the very beginning of January. Ashley has been traveling back and forth between Lafayette, Colorado and Houston, TX for treatment for the last few years, and it's been extremely expensive. Because of the nature of Ashley's illness, she's not been able to work, and is relying almost entirely on donations to support herself and Traeden. Ashley's going to need massive support now that the cancer has returned, both emotional and financial, and I'd really like to spread the word. She's got a sense of humor that speaks to my soul, she's sweet, and very smart, and she'd really like to be around for Traeden as long as she possibly can. This is her site, and you can also stalk her through my Facebook page:
- http://www.healthyforeverafter.com/
These ladies are awe-inspiring. Their strength astonishes me. They make my problems look like hangnails of life: slightly painful and certainly annoying, but not life-threatening. Lisa and Ashley, I bow to you. You guys are going through something that would almost certainly beat me. If there is anything I can do for you, please, let me know.
That said, right now, I am doing okay. I'm trying to sort out some debt issues that I've been dragging around for awhile, but Ethan is helping me get organized and helping me come up with budgets and payment plans. I had to take my car into the shop, and then either misunderstood or misheard the quote the guy gave me over the phone for how much it would cost, so I'm trying to work that out as well. I reached out to my mom, and she read my last post and then we went out to dinner last night to sort of touch base and catch up.
The biggest issue I am working through is this feeling of worthlessness or uselessness. I have this nagging feeling that reaches deep down into my bones, that I have some purpose in this life, but I don't yet know what it is. It's kind of like feeling like you're forgetting something, but it's all the time. I don't hate my job now, but days like today make it really difficult to come to work. I had set some toy dinosaurs on my computer screen, and all our in-house clients would giggle when they walked by. But ohhhhh noooooo it takes away from our "PROFESSIONAL" appearance, so I had to take them down. And not just take them down, but I had to put them away entirely, so they could not be seen at all! GOD FORBID we make our workspace our own in any way that makes it look like we are actual human people. Never mind the fact that the paint in our conference rooms is chipping off the walls, and where it's not chipping, the walls are scratched and scuffed. Never mind that it is in our COMPANY MANUAL that we are not to go out and PURCHASE flatware for use by our guests and/or in-house clients, but we are to GET IT FROM THRIFT STORES so we are not spending money erroneously. It's the toy dinosaurs that make us look unprofessional. Plus I made the mistake of bringing more cookies in to work, and the company owner (who shall still remain nameless) managed to slip in and grab some before I realized he had arrived, so I didn't have time to hide them or make a sign that said he wasn't allowed to have any. When he made a "joke" that there were enough for him but what were the rest of us going to do(?), I thought my head would burst into flames.
Sorry. Kind of went off track, there. I'm still searching for my purpose. Right. I apply for new jobs weekly. I monitor the State of Colorado jobs website and anything that sounds like it would be something I'd be remotely interested in, I'll apply for. Right now, I'm waiting to hear back on a few different ones. I've applied to be a youth corrections officer, the State Patrol, a Forensic Autopsy Technician (on call), and an Inmate and Court Records Specialist. I'm now "eligible for consideration" for the autopsy tech position, which is a first. I've sent in applications 3 times for this position and I think I've finally got a shot. I have to go take a test for the Inmate and Court Records Specialist in a couple weeks. So perhaps I have some things to look forward to.
Every time a requisition opens up for a Forensic Autopsy Technician for the DOME (Denver Office of the Medical Examiner), I apply for it. I figure I'll just keep applying for that job until they either hire me, or call me to ask me to stop applying, at which time I will have to ask them why they won't hire me and tell them how much they should hire me. When you want something bad enough, you don't give it up :)
I'm also still writing. I'm trying to have enough discipline to work on something that would eventually someday become a book, and I'm attempting to continue writing on here to keep from going entirely insane. I also applied to be a contributor on hellogiggles.com, and have been asked to send in some pitches for what I might like to write about for them.
When you've been in darkness for so long, and you see a tiny glimmer, a minute sliver of light, you grab on to it with everything you've got, and that's essentially where I am right now. Next week is my first meeting with my new therapist/counselor. I'm still staying away from alcohol almost entirely. I am getting my energy together to begin a new exercise regimen that I'm putting a lot of hope in. For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I have something resembling control.
First I want to say thank you to everyone who has read, or reads my posts. The last one was really difficult to write and probably pretty difficult to read for some of you. It's not easy to talk about hurting myself. It's pretty embarrassing, actually. Especially because you're supposed to eventually grow out of feeling reckless and impulsive and you're not really supposed to want to hurt yourself when you're my age. Rest assured, I have Ethan to keep me from doing myself harm just about all of the time, and when he's not around, I know that I can reach out to any or all of you if I need to. I know that. I think that I am nowhere near where my baseline "normal" mental health is or should be, but I finally feel like I am on my way there.
Here's the thing. I know I'm loved. I have a family and I have a few friends, and I know they love me. But the rest of you - man, that's a complete surprise! It is wonderful to have so many people who are reaching out to me to just give me support, or to help me find a job, or to listen to me, or to just let me know that they're thinking about me! My aunt, my cousin, some old friends from high school, some people who are going through their own HUMONGOUS life crap that still manage to make time to send me a message telling me they're thinking of me. That. Is. Amazing. It makes me feel so very loved.
On that note, I'd like to pass on some good will. I know some people that need prayers, support, thoughts, good vibes, and even money, because they're going through things that I cannot imagine or comprehend. And even though I've been whiny about my own problems (which are seriously MY problems, they stem from no one else but me), they've still reached out to me to give me support.
I have a friend named Lisa, and we have been friends since forever. Some of my very first memories are of having sleepovers at her house with my sister. Lisa's 3 year-old son Eli is very, very sick. He's been diagnosed with Evan's Syndrome, which is an autoimmune disorder that makes Eli's body attack its own red and white blood cells and platelets, which makes it nearly impossible for Eli's body to fight off infection on it's own. The only known cure for this is a stem cell transplant, which Eli will be getting in the next few weeks. This has been very, very difficult for Lisa, her husband, Eli, and their other son Tyrell. Poor Eli has been in and out of the hospital since August with bleeding issues, a couple of lower bowel infections that prevent him from eating or drinking ANYTHING for at least 10 days at a time, and getting blood transfusions. Getting any kind of fever or infection at all could be fatal. Lisa is a teacher, and hasn't been able to work since Eli was diagnosed, and though they're taking things one day at a time, it's an extremely precarious situation. Despite all of that, Lisa has reached out to me to tell me that she's thinking of me and supporting me and she makes me cry a lot because of her kindness. So please, if you will, show your support for this amazing and resilient super mommy, go to one or all of these sites:
- http://www.gofundme.com/i2am14
- https://www.facebook.com/elisjourney4life
The other friend I have that could use support, money, prayers and thoughts and good vibes, is Ashley. I've only actually met Ashley in person once, but she's whatever synonym for awesome you can think of as well. Ashley has been battling Hodgkins Lymphoma for just over 3 years now. She went through several rounds of chemotherapy, and had a stem cell transplant, and even though it appeared as though the stem cell transplant was successful, a recent PET scan showed that the cancer has returned. I met Ashley though someone I had known since kindergarten (she's his baby-mama!), and now their son Traeden is 5. With donations, they were able to fulfill a huge dream and spent a week at Disneyland at the very beginning of January. Ashley has been traveling back and forth between Lafayette, Colorado and Houston, TX for treatment for the last few years, and it's been extremely expensive. Because of the nature of Ashley's illness, she's not been able to work, and is relying almost entirely on donations to support herself and Traeden. Ashley's going to need massive support now that the cancer has returned, both emotional and financial, and I'd really like to spread the word. She's got a sense of humor that speaks to my soul, she's sweet, and very smart, and she'd really like to be around for Traeden as long as she possibly can. This is her site, and you can also stalk her through my Facebook page:
- http://www.healthyforeverafter.com/
These ladies are awe-inspiring. Their strength astonishes me. They make my problems look like hangnails of life: slightly painful and certainly annoying, but not life-threatening. Lisa and Ashley, I bow to you. You guys are going through something that would almost certainly beat me. If there is anything I can do for you, please, let me know.
That said, right now, I am doing okay. I'm trying to sort out some debt issues that I've been dragging around for awhile, but Ethan is helping me get organized and helping me come up with budgets and payment plans. I had to take my car into the shop, and then either misunderstood or misheard the quote the guy gave me over the phone for how much it would cost, so I'm trying to work that out as well. I reached out to my mom, and she read my last post and then we went out to dinner last night to sort of touch base and catch up.
The biggest issue I am working through is this feeling of worthlessness or uselessness. I have this nagging feeling that reaches deep down into my bones, that I have some purpose in this life, but I don't yet know what it is. It's kind of like feeling like you're forgetting something, but it's all the time. I don't hate my job now, but days like today make it really difficult to come to work. I had set some toy dinosaurs on my computer screen, and all our in-house clients would giggle when they walked by. But ohhhhh noooooo it takes away from our "PROFESSIONAL" appearance, so I had to take them down. And not just take them down, but I had to put them away entirely, so they could not be seen at all! GOD FORBID we make our workspace our own in any way that makes it look like we are actual human people. Never mind the fact that the paint in our conference rooms is chipping off the walls, and where it's not chipping, the walls are scratched and scuffed. Never mind that it is in our COMPANY MANUAL that we are not to go out and PURCHASE flatware for use by our guests and/or in-house clients, but we are to GET IT FROM THRIFT STORES so we are not spending money erroneously. It's the toy dinosaurs that make us look unprofessional. Plus I made the mistake of bringing more cookies in to work, and the company owner (who shall still remain nameless) managed to slip in and grab some before I realized he had arrived, so I didn't have time to hide them or make a sign that said he wasn't allowed to have any. When he made a "joke" that there were enough for him but what were the rest of us going to do(?), I thought my head would burst into flames.
Sorry. Kind of went off track, there. I'm still searching for my purpose. Right. I apply for new jobs weekly. I monitor the State of Colorado jobs website and anything that sounds like it would be something I'd be remotely interested in, I'll apply for. Right now, I'm waiting to hear back on a few different ones. I've applied to be a youth corrections officer, the State Patrol, a Forensic Autopsy Technician (on call), and an Inmate and Court Records Specialist. I'm now "eligible for consideration" for the autopsy tech position, which is a first. I've sent in applications 3 times for this position and I think I've finally got a shot. I have to go take a test for the Inmate and Court Records Specialist in a couple weeks. So perhaps I have some things to look forward to.
Every time a requisition opens up for a Forensic Autopsy Technician for the DOME (Denver Office of the Medical Examiner), I apply for it. I figure I'll just keep applying for that job until they either hire me, or call me to ask me to stop applying, at which time I will have to ask them why they won't hire me and tell them how much they should hire me. When you want something bad enough, you don't give it up :)
I'm also still writing. I'm trying to have enough discipline to work on something that would eventually someday become a book, and I'm attempting to continue writing on here to keep from going entirely insane. I also applied to be a contributor on hellogiggles.com, and have been asked to send in some pitches for what I might like to write about for them.
When you've been in darkness for so long, and you see a tiny glimmer, a minute sliver of light, you grab on to it with everything you've got, and that's essentially where I am right now. Next week is my first meeting with my new therapist/counselor. I'm still staying away from alcohol almost entirely. I am getting my energy together to begin a new exercise regimen that I'm putting a lot of hope in. For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I have something resembling control.
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