Sooooooo...
It looks like if I don't keep myself to some kind of schedule for posting anything, I won't post much. Which is not really the point. The point is to empty my head of the vortex of thoughts that dictate my attitude and emotions on a daily basis. I guess I need to be held more accountable to that so that I don't dump on Ethan when he comes home to me each evening.
To that end:
I've been off the Effexor for almost 2 weeks now. I'm not quite the mess I was, but I'm also not anywhere near 100%. Maybe like 46%. Physically, I am not really experiencing hard-core withdrawal symptoms anymore. I'm not really nauseous, but now I'm really hungry a lot of the time. I'm not dizzy, either, but I don't feel great. I feel kind of like I am hungover. Which is impossible because I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I stopped the Effexor! I'm actually terrified to drink because I have been feeling decent this last week and I don't know what alcohol (being a depressant) will do to me. I still feel on the very precipice of crying at any given second, but I'm better able to control what makes me want to cry, I guess. I still have the electrical popping in my head, but it's less startling and I really only notice it when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep at night. My body temperature is still all out of whack - my whole torso will be sweating, dripping sweat, literally, but my hands will be freezing. It's very uncomfortable. And confusing.
I feel unable to really control my reactions to things as they happen. Yesterday, when my coworker told me that the company owner (who shall remain nameless) had eaten the last of the cookies I brought in, I exploded. He's notorious for coming into our little work area and helping himself to whatever food is sitting there for us to nosh on without asking if it's okay. One time, that same coworker gave me the last of the cookies she had brought in because I was sad or something, and I didn't eat it right away, but placed it on the counter behind me, next to my stuff. This asshole came up, saw it sitting there, and just TOOK IT. Without asking. For some reason, unknown to me, that ruffled my feathers to the point where I wanted to punch a wall. Something about the inconsideration and the fact that he's completely incapable of reading social cues or whatever, just pushed me over the edge. So any time he's come back here and taken a piece of candy, or a cookie or anything, that is not meant for him (he doesn't have a CLUE how difficult our job is sometimes, and to him we are expendable), I lose my shit. I know it also has to do with this man's personality, because he is a NARCISSIST, and I cannot deal with narcissists in my current frame of mind.
Then, the other night, I climbed into bed and checked Facebook one last time before going to sleep and on my feed was a friend's announcement that she was pregnant, and again, I lost it. For some reason, it made me very, very, very upset. I'm pretty sure it's because it was such a big surprise to me. She and I were really close in high school, and when she got married (she's since been divorced), I was a bridesmaid. Her ex-husband was in the Navy and they had to move to San Diego, and after the divorce she stayed there. We've kind of lost touch a bit and I only see her when she comes home for holidays, and I guess I just kind of assumed by what pops up on her Facebook that she was not going to be starting a family before me. I'm happy for her, if this is what she wants, for sure. I love her unconditionally and I think she will be a wonderful mom.
There seems to be this unspoken competition among women in our culture. In your early 20's, you win if you get married and/or start having babies first. When you get to your late 20's, you start to discover how much of the world you haven't seen and how much you haven't experienced, and if you're unmarried and/or childless, you're winning at life. However, you still see friends getting engaged, getting married, buying houses, getting pregnant and having babies, and if you're like me, it starts to eat at you. You begin to question the decisions and choices you made in your 20's that led you to being unmarried and childless at 30.
Your logic tells you that 30 still isn't that old, and that lots of women have babies after 30. Some have babies in their late 30's and even 40's for crying out loud! Studies show that couples that wait to have kids until their 30's have a longer and stronger marriage than their twenty-something counterparts. I mean, I'm pretty thrilled with my choice not to have kids - although it could have simply been the endometriosis and not an actual thing I had any control over to begin with - and I'm still not even sure that I want to have a child of my own. I'm really scared that it will turn out like me, or even worse, like my sister (the sociopath). I worry it will have really severe depression, or that it will have my skin, or - even worse - the keratosis pilaris that's plagued me my whole life, or the respiratory problems from my dad's side of the family. I worry that I am too lazy and too selfish to be able to care for a brand-new human being that requires so much attention and care. I worry that I'll suffer from the kind of post-partum depression that makes women drown their babies. I worry that having a baby will change my life, for the worse, and irreparably.
So why in the world would my friend getting pregnant upset me so much?
I'm chalking it up to a complete loss of control over my emotions due to Effexor withdrawal. They don't warn you when they put you on antidepressants that coming off of them is a bitch. It might be because when they put me on them to begin with there wasn't a whole lot of research being done on how badly they screw up your brain and your body, but now there is, and that's why I've titled this post very simply, "Effexor Withdrawal." I want people to know that a.) coming off Effexor SUCKS, 2.) that they're not alone and that they will be okay, and III.) they'll experience the widest array of symptoms possibly imaginable and that it's okay to make excuses during this time because the chances are that if you're feeling really emotional and mentally out of control, it's because of the Effexor. Oh, and that if you're feeling nauseous, just throw up - you'll feel better if you do.
My brain feels lighter so I think that's all for today.
It looks like if I don't keep myself to some kind of schedule for posting anything, I won't post much. Which is not really the point. The point is to empty my head of the vortex of thoughts that dictate my attitude and emotions on a daily basis. I guess I need to be held more accountable to that so that I don't dump on Ethan when he comes home to me each evening.
To that end:
I've been off the Effexor for almost 2 weeks now. I'm not quite the mess I was, but I'm also not anywhere near 100%. Maybe like 46%. Physically, I am not really experiencing hard-core withdrawal symptoms anymore. I'm not really nauseous, but now I'm really hungry a lot of the time. I'm not dizzy, either, but I don't feel great. I feel kind of like I am hungover. Which is impossible because I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I stopped the Effexor! I'm actually terrified to drink because I have been feeling decent this last week and I don't know what alcohol (being a depressant) will do to me. I still feel on the very precipice of crying at any given second, but I'm better able to control what makes me want to cry, I guess. I still have the electrical popping in my head, but it's less startling and I really only notice it when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep at night. My body temperature is still all out of whack - my whole torso will be sweating, dripping sweat, literally, but my hands will be freezing. It's very uncomfortable. And confusing.
I feel unable to really control my reactions to things as they happen. Yesterday, when my coworker told me that the company owner (who shall remain nameless) had eaten the last of the cookies I brought in, I exploded. He's notorious for coming into our little work area and helping himself to whatever food is sitting there for us to nosh on without asking if it's okay. One time, that same coworker gave me the last of the cookies she had brought in because I was sad or something, and I didn't eat it right away, but placed it on the counter behind me, next to my stuff. This asshole came up, saw it sitting there, and just TOOK IT. Without asking. For some reason, unknown to me, that ruffled my feathers to the point where I wanted to punch a wall. Something about the inconsideration and the fact that he's completely incapable of reading social cues or whatever, just pushed me over the edge. So any time he's come back here and taken a piece of candy, or a cookie or anything, that is not meant for him (he doesn't have a CLUE how difficult our job is sometimes, and to him we are expendable), I lose my shit. I know it also has to do with this man's personality, because he is a NARCISSIST, and I cannot deal with narcissists in my current frame of mind.
Then, the other night, I climbed into bed and checked Facebook one last time before going to sleep and on my feed was a friend's announcement that she was pregnant, and again, I lost it. For some reason, it made me very, very, very upset. I'm pretty sure it's because it was such a big surprise to me. She and I were really close in high school, and when she got married (she's since been divorced), I was a bridesmaid. Her ex-husband was in the Navy and they had to move to San Diego, and after the divorce she stayed there. We've kind of lost touch a bit and I only see her when she comes home for holidays, and I guess I just kind of assumed by what pops up on her Facebook that she was not going to be starting a family before me. I'm happy for her, if this is what she wants, for sure. I love her unconditionally and I think she will be a wonderful mom.
There seems to be this unspoken competition among women in our culture. In your early 20's, you win if you get married and/or start having babies first. When you get to your late 20's, you start to discover how much of the world you haven't seen and how much you haven't experienced, and if you're unmarried and/or childless, you're winning at life. However, you still see friends getting engaged, getting married, buying houses, getting pregnant and having babies, and if you're like me, it starts to eat at you. You begin to question the decisions and choices you made in your 20's that led you to being unmarried and childless at 30.
Your logic tells you that 30 still isn't that old, and that lots of women have babies after 30. Some have babies in their late 30's and even 40's for crying out loud! Studies show that couples that wait to have kids until their 30's have a longer and stronger marriage than their twenty-something counterparts. I mean, I'm pretty thrilled with my choice not to have kids - although it could have simply been the endometriosis and not an actual thing I had any control over to begin with - and I'm still not even sure that I want to have a child of my own. I'm really scared that it will turn out like me, or even worse, like my sister (the sociopath). I worry it will have really severe depression, or that it will have my skin, or - even worse - the keratosis pilaris that's plagued me my whole life, or the respiratory problems from my dad's side of the family. I worry that I am too lazy and too selfish to be able to care for a brand-new human being that requires so much attention and care. I worry that I'll suffer from the kind of post-partum depression that makes women drown their babies. I worry that having a baby will change my life, for the worse, and irreparably.
So why in the world would my friend getting pregnant upset me so much?
I'm chalking it up to a complete loss of control over my emotions due to Effexor withdrawal. They don't warn you when they put you on antidepressants that coming off of them is a bitch. It might be because when they put me on them to begin with there wasn't a whole lot of research being done on how badly they screw up your brain and your body, but now there is, and that's why I've titled this post very simply, "Effexor Withdrawal." I want people to know that a.) coming off Effexor SUCKS, 2.) that they're not alone and that they will be okay, and III.) they'll experience the widest array of symptoms possibly imaginable and that it's okay to make excuses during this time because the chances are that if you're feeling really emotional and mentally out of control, it's because of the Effexor. Oh, and that if you're feeling nauseous, just throw up - you'll feel better if you do.
My brain feels lighter so I think that's all for today.
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