First order of business. Mad props to me! I'm off antidepressants entirely, and yesterday, I not only went on a loooooong walk with Ethan and Phoenix, I got sunshine AND I jogged a part of it. In January (THE WINTER).
So I was driving yesterday - this is when I do most of my really scary and honest thinking, for some reason - and this thought occurred to me. I think it's pretty profound, but most likely someone else has said it before, and then written it down, and probably done it so much more eloquently, but here goes:
Trees are stuck. Literally rooted to the spot by whatever force put them there. But that doesn't stop them from growing towards the sun, the sky, and outwards. It still blossoms and grows leaves and provides oxygen and shade for people who are hot, and places for birds to nest. Despite it being stuck exactly where it is, a tree still grows in the ways it is capable of growing (upwards and outwards), and provides use it's entire life. Even in death it provides wood for people to burn for heat. That's pretty incredible. It's pretty optimistic. I would like to utilize this simile for my life.
I feel pretty stuck a lot of the time. Stuck in my job, stuck in my family situation, stuck financially. But that doesn't mean I can't still grow and change and provide things for the people I have to be around on a daily basis. I don't like being grumpy and grouchy all the time. I would much rather have positive thoughts and smile and laugh at the dumb jokes or silly things my boyfriend and coworkers say, or be able to make pleasant small talk when I'm out in public. I feel like I need to re-learn how to be a nice, charming, engaging person, because I feel like all that I'm able to do is be negative and judgmental of everything around me. Although now that I think about that, it might just be a side-effect of getting old...
Lately when I'm having conversations, with just about anyone, just about anywhere, I worry that I am not properly conversing. What I mean is that there's a sort of social guideline for how a conversation is supposed to go:
Person 1: question
Person 2: answer, with a little detail, asks question of their own
Person 3: answers question with a little detail, makes joke or sarcastic comment
Person 4: agrees with joke or sarcastic comment, makes additional joke or comment, asks another question
...and so on and so forth. The conversation is a give-and-take, with both people contributing equal parts. I feel like I'm awkward, selfish, or judgmental. I never ask questions of my own in conversation, really. I answer the questions I'm asked, and then just focus on myself and my experiences (present conversation included). I recently attended a memorial and reception for a friend's mom who recently passed away suddenly, and there was a person there who I'd met before but didn't really remember meeting. Turns out he'd been along for my first trek up Longs Peak, and I'd completely forgotten he existed. He's one of those people that I'd love to emulate, who asks all kinds of engaging questions and talks to you as though he's known you his entire life, and is friendly and warm (coincidentally, the friend's mom that passed away was also very much like this). And I feel like I made inappropriate comments, and just talked about myself without asking him any questions.
So then it begs the question: AM I SOCIALLY AWKWARD? And: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??
More and more often, I feel like I'm not navigating conversation with other humans quite correctly. I definitely listen, and pay attention, but I feel like I immediately form judgments and opinions and simply focus on those instead of reminding myself that other people have different perspectives and experiences than me, I just blurt out whatever's in my head. Which is a quality of my sister's that I HATE.
Anyway, it's just something I've been noticing more and more often and would like to work on.
So I was driving yesterday - this is when I do most of my really scary and honest thinking, for some reason - and this thought occurred to me. I think it's pretty profound, but most likely someone else has said it before, and then written it down, and probably done it so much more eloquently, but here goes:
Trees are stuck. Literally rooted to the spot by whatever force put them there. But that doesn't stop them from growing towards the sun, the sky, and outwards. It still blossoms and grows leaves and provides oxygen and shade for people who are hot, and places for birds to nest. Despite it being stuck exactly where it is, a tree still grows in the ways it is capable of growing (upwards and outwards), and provides use it's entire life. Even in death it provides wood for people to burn for heat. That's pretty incredible. It's pretty optimistic. I would like to utilize this simile for my life.
I feel pretty stuck a lot of the time. Stuck in my job, stuck in my family situation, stuck financially. But that doesn't mean I can't still grow and change and provide things for the people I have to be around on a daily basis. I don't like being grumpy and grouchy all the time. I would much rather have positive thoughts and smile and laugh at the dumb jokes or silly things my boyfriend and coworkers say, or be able to make pleasant small talk when I'm out in public. I feel like I need to re-learn how to be a nice, charming, engaging person, because I feel like all that I'm able to do is be negative and judgmental of everything around me. Although now that I think about that, it might just be a side-effect of getting old...
Lately when I'm having conversations, with just about anyone, just about anywhere, I worry that I am not properly conversing. What I mean is that there's a sort of social guideline for how a conversation is supposed to go:
Person 1: question
Person 2: answer, with a little detail, asks question of their own
Person 3: answers question with a little detail, makes joke or sarcastic comment
Person 4: agrees with joke or sarcastic comment, makes additional joke or comment, asks another question
...and so on and so forth. The conversation is a give-and-take, with both people contributing equal parts. I feel like I'm awkward, selfish, or judgmental. I never ask questions of my own in conversation, really. I answer the questions I'm asked, and then just focus on myself and my experiences (present conversation included). I recently attended a memorial and reception for a friend's mom who recently passed away suddenly, and there was a person there who I'd met before but didn't really remember meeting. Turns out he'd been along for my first trek up Longs Peak, and I'd completely forgotten he existed. He's one of those people that I'd love to emulate, who asks all kinds of engaging questions and talks to you as though he's known you his entire life, and is friendly and warm (coincidentally, the friend's mom that passed away was also very much like this). And I feel like I made inappropriate comments, and just talked about myself without asking him any questions.
So then it begs the question: AM I SOCIALLY AWKWARD? And: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??
More and more often, I feel like I'm not navigating conversation with other humans quite correctly. I definitely listen, and pay attention, but I feel like I immediately form judgments and opinions and simply focus on those instead of reminding myself that other people have different perspectives and experiences than me, I just blurt out whatever's in my head. Which is a quality of my sister's that I HATE.
Anyway, it's just something I've been noticing more and more often and would like to work on.
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