I don't write much anymore. I'm going to try to keep this on the shorter side because I think when I drone on and on, less people read all the way through.
It's possible that my Depression has been worst this year versus previous years, but it's really been awful this year. I hospitalized myself back in March and stayed in the hospital for 5 days again. This time I opted not to go for the ECT, and I'm really glad I made that decision.
However, the meds I was prescribed in March seemed to stop working about a month ago - I started to notice my mood dipping again, so I asked the doc to increase my meds (300mg Wellbutrin to 450mg and 600mg Lithium to 1200mg). Within a couple of days of the Wellbutrin increase I got sick. Not any sustained illness, really, but consistent nausea coupled with throwing up about once a day. That lasted about 2 weeks. I thought back to the hell I went through switching from Cymbalta to Wellbutrin and Lithium and it dawned on me that I was probably sick as a result of side effects from the increase. On top of that my mood not only continued to suck but my functioning began to decrease as well.
I applied for Disability back in March or April, when it became apparent that I was not going to get another job. I hate that I felt like I had to do that, but I can say with certainty that my mental illness is absolutely the reason I cannot seem to keep a job.
My mood has not gotten any better over the last 2-3 weeks. I have again - for the hundredth time - thought about killing myself. I told Ethan I didn't think it was fair that I had to stay alive just for him and for Phoenix when I'm in so much pain.
I feel worthless because I don't think I contribute to my household in any valuable way. I feel useless because I don't have a job to go to every day. I feel lazy because I often can't get up off the couch to so much as put the dishes in the dishwasher. I feel disgusting because I was working out 6 days a week, sometimes 2-3 times a day and I'm on like day 4 in a row without working out. I feel hopeless because my history has shown what happens when I try to start a new job or am working a job and my mood significantly changes. I feel stupid because of how many jobs I've been terminated from or asked to leave as a result of my mood, attitude or attendance problems. I hate that I'm not a reliable person - that I flake on plans probably more often than I keep them.
Over the last few weeks I've been beating myself up more and more because of all this. I hate who I've become. I cry too much. I feel like I'm a piece of shit as a person. I have nothing of value to offer the world. I start a whole lot of projects but rarely finish them. I have a whole lot of ideas but never do anything with them because either I know I won't follow though or it exhausts me to even consider the amount of work I'd need to do. I'm able to talk myself out of great ideas because I think a few steps ahead and always find an obstacle I know I won't be able to get around.
I got denied Disability, though apparently everyone does the first time. I'm appealing the decision but I'm doing it while gritting my teeth because I hate that I am going through this process and can't just suck it up and work like a normal person.
I'm most upset because I thought I would be somebody; I thought I was going to be worth something. I thought I would have something to offer the world other than taking up space unnecessarily. I have always felt like I am supposed to be doing something important. But I'm not.
So that's where I am right now. I've been seeing my therapist weekly for several weeks now, and she says that I am too hard on myself, and that I need to treat myself the way I treat other people. Better. She says that I need to start asking for help. I used to have no problem asking for help at all. I don't know what happened, though. I think I got so used to being self-sufficient and being able to do things myself that asking for help is sort of painful. Not that I find asking for help weak, but I think I don't deserve the help I need. I've asked for too much already and I don't even know what else anyone could do for me. Maybe help get me a job doing something I find useful and have passion for? I think I really just need someone to give me a chance. Despite my history of fucking up the chances I have been given.
I feel pretty pathetic. I'm unemployed - fired from my last full-time job. I filed for bankruptcy at the end of last year. I'm on Medicaid. And now to complete the picture of the model government leach, I'm trying to get Disability.
The thing is, I'm really tired of people feeling sorry for me. Or maybe I just don't want people to feel sorry for me because deep down I am a very strong person. I just can't find the strength to crawl out of this very, very deep hole that I'm in and have been in for some time.
It's possible that my Depression has been worst this year versus previous years, but it's really been awful this year. I hospitalized myself back in March and stayed in the hospital for 5 days again. This time I opted not to go for the ECT, and I'm really glad I made that decision.
However, the meds I was prescribed in March seemed to stop working about a month ago - I started to notice my mood dipping again, so I asked the doc to increase my meds (300mg Wellbutrin to 450mg and 600mg Lithium to 1200mg). Within a couple of days of the Wellbutrin increase I got sick. Not any sustained illness, really, but consistent nausea coupled with throwing up about once a day. That lasted about 2 weeks. I thought back to the hell I went through switching from Cymbalta to Wellbutrin and Lithium and it dawned on me that I was probably sick as a result of side effects from the increase. On top of that my mood not only continued to suck but my functioning began to decrease as well.
I applied for Disability back in March or April, when it became apparent that I was not going to get another job. I hate that I felt like I had to do that, but I can say with certainty that my mental illness is absolutely the reason I cannot seem to keep a job.
My mood has not gotten any better over the last 2-3 weeks. I have again - for the hundredth time - thought about killing myself. I told Ethan I didn't think it was fair that I had to stay alive just for him and for Phoenix when I'm in so much pain.
I feel worthless because I don't think I contribute to my household in any valuable way. I feel useless because I don't have a job to go to every day. I feel lazy because I often can't get up off the couch to so much as put the dishes in the dishwasher. I feel disgusting because I was working out 6 days a week, sometimes 2-3 times a day and I'm on like day 4 in a row without working out. I feel hopeless because my history has shown what happens when I try to start a new job or am working a job and my mood significantly changes. I feel stupid because of how many jobs I've been terminated from or asked to leave as a result of my mood, attitude or attendance problems. I hate that I'm not a reliable person - that I flake on plans probably more often than I keep them.
Over the last few weeks I've been beating myself up more and more because of all this. I hate who I've become. I cry too much. I feel like I'm a piece of shit as a person. I have nothing of value to offer the world. I start a whole lot of projects but rarely finish them. I have a whole lot of ideas but never do anything with them because either I know I won't follow though or it exhausts me to even consider the amount of work I'd need to do. I'm able to talk myself out of great ideas because I think a few steps ahead and always find an obstacle I know I won't be able to get around.
I got denied Disability, though apparently everyone does the first time. I'm appealing the decision but I'm doing it while gritting my teeth because I hate that I am going through this process and can't just suck it up and work like a normal person.
I'm most upset because I thought I would be somebody; I thought I was going to be worth something. I thought I would have something to offer the world other than taking up space unnecessarily. I have always felt like I am supposed to be doing something important. But I'm not.
So that's where I am right now. I've been seeing my therapist weekly for several weeks now, and she says that I am too hard on myself, and that I need to treat myself the way I treat other people. Better. She says that I need to start asking for help. I used to have no problem asking for help at all. I don't know what happened, though. I think I got so used to being self-sufficient and being able to do things myself that asking for help is sort of painful. Not that I find asking for help weak, but I think I don't deserve the help I need. I've asked for too much already and I don't even know what else anyone could do for me. Maybe help get me a job doing something I find useful and have passion for? I think I really just need someone to give me a chance. Despite my history of fucking up the chances I have been given.
I feel pretty pathetic. I'm unemployed - fired from my last full-time job. I filed for bankruptcy at the end of last year. I'm on Medicaid. And now to complete the picture of the model government leach, I'm trying to get Disability.
The thing is, I'm really tired of people feeling sorry for me. Or maybe I just don't want people to feel sorry for me because deep down I am a very strong person. I just can't find the strength to crawl out of this very, very deep hole that I'm in and have been in for some time.
